resting

This trip to Bahrain has been different from any other vacation I’ve ever taken. When you have kids, sometimes it’s hard to imagine what life was like before them…or what you did on trips that didn’t revolve around naps, snacks, and keeping little hands busy. With Aaron working a chunk of the day (no, he didn’t get time off since I’m here) it’s left me with time to myself. Being Ramadan (and being 120+ outside) it has left me with a few options of what to do during the day.

Things I have taken advantage of:

~ sleeping and not waking to to a crying or talking child

~ eating when I want and not always according to the clock (and not feeding anyone else)

~ not doing dishes or fixing food

~ reading for an uninterrupted period of time

~ eating meals with Aaron every day

~ feasting on Iraqi, Indian, Italian, Persian, and Thai food

~ working out every day

~ dreaming and thinking about things I rarely have time to think about

I’ve been able to switch out of solo-parenting-survival mode into be-with-my-best-friend and rest mode. I don’t think it could have come at a better time. I think this is the boost I needed to plunge into the next nine months. As I type that I can’t believe we’ve only made it that far. Or maybe that we have made it that far.

With an unknown future ahead of us and lots of time until we do find out what is next, lots of things can happen. Dreaming, exploring, looking, thinking, talking…and fearing. I’ve found myself caught in a cycle of fear that is dreadful. Fearing we’re coming into something that I really don’t think I could ever handle. It’s kept me up at night. Its overshadowed some my days.

And then, this morning I was able to visualize fear as this creepy shadow of a nasty man that you can’t quite get your full gaze on…that you just catch out of your peripheral vision…and then become obsessed with trying to find him. Trying to see his full figure and guess his next move or where he is. He’s a distractor, a fake, a real and yet false existence that loves to play this game in my head and heart. He loves to steal my peace, my joy, my contentment. He wants me to stay appealed to see where he’s going to show up next. Anything to keep my heart and mind distracted and unguarded.

I find myself tense instead of resting.

I find myself not trusting.

Its the what if’s, the unknown’s, the how will we do it’s, the what’s around the corner feelings that have been robbing me of looking at what’s in front of me: today, being here with Aaron, freedom, grace, perfect power through the Spirit.

What’s crazy is once I vocalize and bring into the light this distraction, it begins to lose power. My heart refocuses. I reorient to what is true, what is just, what is pure…

Speaking of distractions, when I left Oklahoma I decided to not look at Facebook (specifically the news feeds) and it has done a significant work in the battle for my mind. I know everyone has their own thoughts and feelings about FB and the role is does or should play in our lives. I’m not here to speak directly on that…I just know shutting it down and not feeling like I’m drowning in discontentment has been glorious. Sorry if you messaged me and I’ve been silent. Sorry if I missed the amazing acrobatic move your cat made. I can honestly say I haven’t missed creeping on other people’s lives. I feel like life is too short to have to know what everyone else is doing. I dare you to try it.

{BTW, I DO still text and email and talk on the phone…I haven’t completely fallen off the wagon.}

And while I can, I’m going to go read or watch the Olympics or do something restful…

 

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